Loneliness is a Choice
“A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24
Loneliness is the product of a choice. To have relationships, one must do the homework and preparation for life. To him that would have friends, he must show himself friendly.
Insular, secluded, and isolated seems to be the default position. It’s not unlike a person complaining that they have no flowers in their flowerbed.
At my wife’s request, I sowed about an estimated 200 square feet total in zinnias.
After some soil prep, I sowed several packages of seeds. On many occasions, I have watered this area and pulled weeds. And lo and behold, guess what? I have flowers.
One further step is required. On multiple occasions throughout the week, one of us will step outside, clip stems of flowers, bring them inside, and put them in a vase with water. Most of the summer we have had one and sometimes two vases with these flowers sitting on our kitchen table.
Though the seeds are planted and the flowers are blooming, to have them close at hand we must take the final step and purposely make the effort to bring them close and in view.
If you want to leave the land of loneliness, you must begin the preparation long in advance.
Winter will come and a season of loneliness will come, but that does not have to be our perpetual state.
I have noticed through my life that most people out there have very few close relationships, if any.
I think every parent and leader should model and teach their children the basic dynamics of building friendships.
It’s never been easier.
In the Bible, you see the church went from house to house.
The Apostles wrote letters.
Jesus Christ modeled this by making Himself available to multitudes and having a circle of individuals who were closer.
It’s a lot of trouble sometimes.
You have to be willing to forgive and give grace to a friend, because everyone is going to disappoint. If you require agreement, affirmation, and cooperation with everything YOU want to do, you will be lonely.
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17
If you don’t consistently translate thoughts and intentions into contact and communication of care, you will be lonely.
Maybe one of the greatest opportunities for friendship is to involve yourself in a church, Bible study, or some similar opportunities; otherwise, you will be lonely.
“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25
Leaders often find themselves challenged. We learn how to teach and proclaim to others what they should do, but friendship requires taking off the professor glasses and the lecturing mode and being casual and vulnerable with someone you can trust.
In my personal experience, I have found that a large percentage of people just can’t or will not be your friend. If you stop the effort in general when you meet this common closedness, you will be lonely.
My general statistical experience is that if you want to create one new friend, you will engage with twenty or thirty people—for one new friend. For that friendship to flourish, you will need to continue this over time.
You don’t have to be lonely.
However, if you expect someone to do the work for you, you will be lonely.
As believers, I believe it is our calling to demonstrate care, concern, and support to our family and beyond, to those we meet in the community.
The underlying truth is that when we withhold or neglect this calling, we are the losers. It is a fine example that the giver of grace and kindness is the one who reaps the greater benefit.
I am blessed with a number of very good friends. I give them the credit for being such amazing fellows. Absolutely. However, each of them would agree that our friendship is a product of my acceptance of their kindness.
I do call them and call them back.
It’s not a one-way street.
I do have many friends that I love no less; however, the only reason we have a measure of closeness is my purposeful engagement. I don’t begrudge that, because I am the one who benefits from keeping them in my circle and connection.
I have a friend from Bible College. About ten years after graduation, I called him. In the opening of the conversation, he began to complain, “No one has ever called me. You’re the first one. I don’t understand why no one has ever reached out.”
After a few minutes of listening to him, I asked him the question.
“Let me ask you a question: Who have you called?”
The line on the other side was silent.
I said to him, “How can you complain no one ever called if you never called anyone?
I am calling you right now, and you never called me. I never complained about you not calling me. I should have called you sooner, and I apologize. However, you can’t complain others never call if you never call others.”
I have gladly maintained this line of communication. And to this day, I don’t know if he has ever called me. I only mention this as an example for my point.
How many reading this find yourselves in this exact situation?
I called someone recently who said, “I was just thinking about you the other day.”
I said, “You should have called me; I would have loved to hear from you.”
He said, “I know, I know, I need to do better.”
I said, “To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”
“What if I really needed to hear from someone? It’s a good thing I was not about to shoot myself.”
Hey, people. We all need to do better. I include myself in this. I have not done as good a job at this in the past few years.
I told this friend, “I have a challenge for you.
Every month you don’t reach out and call someone, you owe a $100 ticket. In twelve months, you will owe me $1,200.” He laughed.
I followed up, “I am going to pray God will bless you abundantly financially.”
He laughed and said, “Why is that?”
I responded, “Because I know you will owe me $1,200, and I want you to be able to afford it.”
There are a lot of people who need to hear from you. Don’t get overwhelmed by all of them; call one today. Call someone every week with the intent of sowing grace, kindness, and interest. We all have a long list of existing connections that need some water. Not to mention all of the ones who need you to show some kindness.
In the end, you will be blessed the most in the effort.
Sowing Seeds for a future blessing.
In Him, By Him, Through Him,
Scott A. Phillips
“In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand: for thou knowest not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good.” Ecclesiastes 11:6
